JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS!

Action on Hearing Loss (formerly RNID) is one of the largest charities in the UK supporting people living with deafness, hearing loss and tinnitus. We’re here to support you, so you can take back control and live the life you choose. From day-to-day-care and practical information, to campaigning for a fairer world and funding research to find a cure – we’re taking action on hearing loss. We want a world where there are no limits or labels for people who are Deaf, have hearing loss or tinnitus – where they can overcome any obstacles and live the life they choose to.

Where they can overcome any obstacles and live the life they choose to. Breathe that sentence in. Some obstacles are just too hard to overcome, however. The 45-degree angle on Reigatians pitch, for example, is particularly tricky. The number 14 shirt over a certain rotund striker's lockdown gut. Innes’ head to hat ratio. Gnaneswaran’s phantom limb syndrome, where his right foot is also his left foot. Captain Watkin’s attempt to hide the fact he has no chin behind an excessive layer of fur. Theobold-Craig’s rampant and inexcusable right-wing extremism. Will the help of Action on Hearing Loss be enough for a hard of hearing WBFC sixth team to overcome their incapability to follow simple instructions? Let’s see...

INSTRUCTION - Innes to take the corners.
RESULT - Zero corners taken by Innes.

INSTRUCTION - Long throws to be taken by Duffy, Remmer and Black, in that order.
RESULT - Duffy and Remmer take one each. Black refuses, despite being 5 yards away.

INSTRUCTION - Do not be static on long throws. Arrive late and come onto the ball.
RESULT - Everyone static. No one comes onto the ball (what Luke Sweeney does with the balls in his own time, is none of our business).

INSTRUCTION - No rash challenges in the box as their ref always gives them a penalty and Vinny never saves penalties.

RESULT - Black makes a rash challenge in the box and their ref gives them a penalty and Vinny saves the penalty.

INSTRUCTION - Zaki is on free kicks. Try to get them up and over the wall.
RESULT - Zaki smacks the ball into the wall, then bangs in the rebound.

INSTRUCTION - Don’t look for Malanaphy’s sizeable 50p head from corners, and definitely
don’t let Duffy score.
RESULT - The ball finds Malanaphy’s sizeable 50p head, and the ball hits the woodwork and falls right in front of Duffy to score.

CONCLUSION - The WBFC 6s are deaf.

Marek’s grandmother is deaf, and she can lip read pretty well. The last time Marek went to see her down on the farm, he asked her if she wanted to grab a handful of his peanuts. She kicked him out and wrote him out of the will. My first girlfriend was deaf and she dumped me completely out of the blue. I should have seen it coming really, as there were plenty of signs.

You may think “What’s a lefty liberal humanitarian and all-round good egg having a pop at the hearing impaired for?”, and I hear you, but not that well, as I am partially deaf myself. Big shout out to all my partially deaf peeps.

www.actiononhearingloss.org.uk