WHERE IS 'WALLY' MILLS?

The Fish out of Water is an often-used trope in fiction, whether on the screen or on the page. In Third and Long, Bob Katz’s novel about a man who takes a job at a dying factory for which he’s wholly unqualified for, it sees him eventually trying to save the dying midwestern town itself. This is in absolutely no way how Neil Watkins is seen within WBFC, no siree. Then there’s 1988 movie sequel Crocodile Dundee II, starring 77-year-old Paul Hogan as Mick ‘Crocodile’ Dundee. This pushed even further the metaphor of scaly creatures not in the comfort of their liquid dwelling than the wrinkly Aussie munchkin’s first outing as the erstwhile wrangler of semi-aquatic reptiles did two years previous.

In its opening scene, our intrepid snakeskin clad, antipodean septuagenarian is on his rowing boat, in the sunshine, which appears to be a billabong in the bush. And what’s he doing? Ha, the little scamp... he’s only fishing with... DYNAMITE! And look, there are now literal fish out of the water. And as the camera pans back, it’s not The Outback at all but New York City... and it’s not a peaceful creek but the bloody Hudson River... oh, he really is a fish out of water, isn’t he? But, of course, he’s really not. He has actually slotted into city life rather smoothly. He knows all the river cops by name and talks his way out of a terrorism charge of using explosives within city limits with his charm and nous. He knows the kids in the local playground, and even teaches them to track the footprints of animals underprivileged inner-city kids will never see. He even helped a man off a building ledge, who says he’s thinking of jumping, he says he’s tired of life, he must be tired of something, round here. Although there’s an awkward moment when he nearly throws himself off the ledge after realising the jumper was a ‘flamin’ gay’, which even for the 80s is a bit homophobic for the famously tolerant Aussies. Not quite assimilated yet, eh Mick?

The first act ends with Mick and his sheila Sue being run out of town by a nasty Colombian drug cartel, after some horrific decisions by the authority in charge, that being the DEA. WBFC 6s were also on the end of a particularly horrific decision by the authority in charge, that being the Reigaitians' referee. It’s the only place to start in the game as it was one of the worst decisions I have ever witnessed, and I’ve seen Matt Kershaw pick a ginger stripper in a lap-dancing bar in Amsterdam. A pretty standard coming together just inside the box, as Pinchin poked a foot towards the Reigaitians forward, who barely moved, and merely stumbled. And to absolutely no one's appeal, the penalty was given. Despite Ward’s best efforts in going the right way, the scandalous spot-kick was dispatched for 1-0, twenty or so mins into the second half.

The first half saw more possession for Reigate playing down the considerable hill, as Borough 6s allowed them to see a lot of the ball in their own half. The best chances fell to Borough, however, with the Reigate keeper pulling off a worldy from Pinchin’s effort, and Remmer a toenail away from middle Sweeney’s cross.

In the second half, Borough continued to carve the better opportunities, one being from Remmer after pouncing on the Reigate centre back’s mistake, and the attempted chip smartly saved again by their keeper. Then came the penalty travesty but that was cancelled out soon after, as Black was scythed down 25 yards or so out from goal. Mendes placed the ball down, and curled a left-foot beauty into the top corner for 1-1. There was still time for the game to get a bit feisty as the ref let some heavy kicks go, culminating in Harry getting absolutely nailed with not so much as a word had. And there was also time for one last chance to take all the points as bottom Sweeney stormed into their box, and as his eyes lit up, and his nose bled, he fired the ball into the side netting. Good performances all round with the Sweeneys, Pinchin the standouts, and Borough 6s remain unbeaten in the league.

The second act of the aforementioned movie blockbuster starts with Mick wanting to get the baddies back onto his own turf, where he can use his knowledge of the country, and treat them like the playthings they deserve in his backyard in Aus. Things are going well until the cartel go and kidnap Mick’s best mate, Wally. Unfortunately, it seems the same fate has fallen on Borough 6s own ‘Wally’ Nathan Mills, as we haven’t seen him for quite some time, so can only assume that Reigate have kidnapped him. We’ll be able to get Reigate back on our turf, and despite not having aboriginal know-how, we can at least offer a flat pitch and a reasonably competent ref. We just need to decide if we want Mills back.