HOPEFULLY THE PITCH IS RUINED FOR THE SEASON NOW

Since the birth of cinema in the 1970s, and in Hollywood particularly, the movies have had a penchant (pronounced ‘pen-chant’) for the big reveal. Who could forget the unforgettable twist in M. Night Shyamalan’s spooky mystery The Sixth Sense? No, not the tedious moment when we learn that Bruce Willis’ character is actually dead, but that the ageing Nathan Mills lookalike can appear in a film wearing something other than a wife-beater. The other twist is that it’s a big pile of sh*t, much like the John Fisher groundsman's’ excuses two weeks previous, saying he didn’t want to spoil the pitch after a bit of drizzle. After two solids weeks of rain, and the likes of Remmer and Cibardo rolling around on it this week, it’s pretty f*cking spoiled now.

Perhaps the greatest reveal of all-time came in the classic George Lucas sci-fi... erm, what’s it called? You know the one about the hairdresser... the space hairdresser and the cowboy. The guy has got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin. His father’s a robot and he’s f*cked his sister. Lego! They’re all made of Lego. Star Wars, that’s it! Well, the aforementioned robot, Garth Spader, has a bit of a fire sword fight with the aforementioned space hairdresser, Louis Moonwalker. Here’s a little known fun fact - Moonwalker was named after a famous dance move by this bloke called Elvis Presley. Anyway, Garth ends up chopping Louis’ leg off with his blue fire sword, and to make him feel better, he reveals to him that he’s his daddy, which Louis is really, really happy about and screams out a joyous “YES!”, as he’d always wanted a robot dad.

You don’t get the glitz of Hollywood in the arse-end of Croydon, however. It’s more like Jeremy Kyle. I had the displeasure of meeting Kyle many years ago when I worked in the world of women’s weekly magazines, and he had an agony column. Safe to say, he’s as big a prick in real life as he is on the telly. I asked him about his day-to-day life at ITV and he took my hand, stared creepily and deeply into my eyes and rolled out this spectacular lie “You know, I’m just a normal guy. When I go to the canteen for lunch all the ordinary folk are like ‘Hey Jez, what are doing down here sitting with us?’ I have to say I’m just like you, one of the guys”.

We had our very own Jeremy Kyle moment on the pitch as renowned WBFC impresario, playboy, playa, Remmer, had an unexpected but very much welcome family reunion. It’s not unusual for Remmer to be followed around by an adoring fan or stalker, but rarely happens on the field. This John Fisher midfielder was slowly getting closer and closer to the rotund 6s' forward, and it was then that the penny dropped. Could it be? No. Surely not. That sordid night with Sharon in Croydon Yate’s Wine Lodge bogs 22 years ago. Yes, that’s right, this young man could be Remmer’s illegitimate son. He may have been christened Darren, but Remmer had always pictured having a son named Dorcas, so Dorcas is how he’ll be known. There may well have been tears of joy or sadness, or just the tipping rain, we’ll never know. Paternity test is pending.

In between this surge of raw emotions, there was a stunner from Swarkowski, an own goal, a filthy, horrible, pokey Kershaw special, and a tidy finish from Olsson after a horror back pass. And for the second week in a row, the 6s come from two behind to win and carry on for an unlikely cup run.