HAWKINS' LAST GAME ENDS WITH A TRIP TO MORDOR

Last Saturday, 12 hobbits from the shire of Wandsworth went on an adventure to the darkest deepest depths of Mordor (approximately 5 miles south of Croydon) in a quest to achieve all 3 points.

Typically our mobilisation was delayed, as Gannon had a few too many pints at the Prancing Pony the night previous prompting a late departure.

Sauron has been reportedly been extremely frustrated with Mordor’s yield crop in 2018. This has led to his kingdom not being able to provide suitable elevenses as the petrol station on route could only offer a dairylea lunchable for a cool price of £4.99. No thanks.

Anyway, to the battle. Mordor lined up with 10 Orcs and their new big-money summer signing, Gollum, up top on his lonesome (something he’s been used to for most of his 600 years). The shire continued with their controversial 3-4-2-1 battle formation.

Throughout the battle, our quest was challenged and tested to the max due to the oppo‘s orc like behaviour which included striking out at us three times. Apparently all the local leaders of yellow and red card rights movement have been deported to Isengard, being imprisoned at the top of the tower of Orthanc. Our thoughts and prayers are with their cause that isn’t looking too good at the moment.

With 10 minutes to go, a faulty trebuchet produced a low flying projectile that was flicked on by Joe Thomas (the tallest hobbit the shire has ever seen due to his mother falling in love with an Ent) and then finished off by Samwise Gamgee who had taken that extra step to be the furthest from home (Finsbury Park) he’d ever been.

With victory in sight, a huge battle cry went up (a switch to 4-4-2) to close out the great battle for middle earth.

Our tactics were so successful, that only one casualty was suffered. Adam Hawkins, the founder of the Shire’s current 5th Legion unfortunately fell into the crack of doom.