OH BOY, THESE RED TOPS SURE CAN KICK IT, CAN'T THEY?! YEP. AND THEY'RE FOOTBALL CRAZY. COOL.

The spirits were high on Saturday, destination Berrylands, a place with the fondest of memories in even the most cynical of red tops, such as the snow day game, fans favourite Bruce's leaving do, The super twins and Taff's emphatic darts victory over the twat twins and glover, so the red tops knew they were in for a doozy.

The game saw the return of the finest player of all time, pot Murray, to his spiritual home which was met with rapturous applause from teammates and fans alike and happy tears from Mushroom. Thanks Mushroom. A few changes from weeks previous with three of the four of the central spine of the team out - Jamo moved to centre back with Harley Da Silva making his 2nd XI debut for the season at left back, and a centre midfield pairing of Jimmy Hill and Pot Murray, which was laughed off as perplexing and bamboozling because basically they're both short. That's it. Height was what brought such joy. height. But who had the last laugh?

The red tops started the brighter of the two sides, they took kick-off and booted it straight to Mushrooom and they didn't chase the ball, a manoeuvre which would become commonplace for the Kings.

An early chance came for SCS with Young Man playing a beautifully lofted through ball which sailed over their centre half with consummate ease leaving SCS bearing down on goal with a bouncing ball and a keeper who was literally at both 6s and 7s, It was at this point Jamo, who happened to stand as a flamingo, exclaimed "hey Mushroom, I hope Scott kicks the ball high over the keeper, but not so high so the ball can reach and land in the goal hole instead of going over the bar, because that would mean they have a goal kick", Scott then kicked the ball over the bar, conceding a goal kick. Mushroom responded by punching his thigh, a move which would prove to have significant positive results, and shouted: "I'm cross". He was as well.

The red tops were in the ascendency and I don't care who knows it. They were flinging the ball about hither and yon, the boys in the middle of the park were short, and the wing-backs and wingers were enjoying largely successful spells of possession and Pickleman and SCS were linking up gloriously.

Then it happened. We had a corner, which came to nothing. They tried to clear it, and it didn't go that far, a returning Young Man seized upon the ball about 30 yards out in line with the left line of the box and knocked it around the onrushing defender and ran round the other side of him. By the time he got there, which was bloody ages, Charlie Richards was on the ball and had been completely clattered by their defender to win the red tops a penalty. As the referee had ended blowing the whistle Young Man was stood on the penalty spot waiting for the ball. The keeper threw the ball behind Young Man which was impolite, but Pot Murray was on hand to pick the ball up and do a nice underarm throw pass to Young Man.

Young Man ran up and absolutely twatted the penalty into the bottom left corner of the goal hole, the keeper dived super late and obvi it was well futile and that, coz it was late, and Young Man twatted it well hard. 1-0 red tops.

The Red Tops continued the half in similar fashion, winning the ball back high up the pitch and pressing as a unit. They were soon rewarded with a second goal. Josh Ballard passed the ball to Pickleman, who with back to goal played a glorious first time through ball on the swizzle through to SCS, a pass he actually called before kicking it, and SCS was through on goal, not a bouncing ball, but a rolling ball 1 on 1. The keeper started too far to the right of his goal hole leaving a gap of epic proportions. Scott was running with the ball for what seemed ages, Jamo who was now levitating four inches about the ground, said to the Mushroom "oi Mushroom, I better not say anything about wanting Scott to kick the ball to that massive gap in the goal hole, I might jinx it again, LOL." Josh incandescent with rage screamed "you just said it you wally!" whilst unleashing an almighty thump into his thigh. A move which proved pretty successful later in the story.

Scott proceeded to score the goal down the middle and we were all happy, a great pass and really neatly taken. 2-0.

Then the game went on a bit more, Jamo did a Cruyff turn in their box which was met with cheers from both teams, Mushroom thighed the ball back to Young Man when it was in the air one time, and pot tried a thigh, did a shite touch, slipped, gave them the ball and they had their 1 half chance of the half.

Super Lee went close and hit the post with one of his first touches after coming on, which was a shame because it was the weekend of his 28th birthday and I wanted him to score one.

Half time came and went and we said some words.

2nd half was a lot more scrappy. They had a lot of corners and this proved to look like the only weakness in the red tops game, we looked uncertain at times, which we ultimately paid for as they scored the jammiest goal ever and it just looked so sh*t. 2-1.

The red tops did find their rhythm at times, but would be undone by trying to play a Hollywood pass or even overplay it which was clearly having an impact on the confidence in the camp.

The red tops did have chances, and boy did they have chances. Super Lee, the well-known wizard of Wandsworth, hit the post again from a neatly worked corner. There was a goalmouth scramble from the resulting corner, and a well-worked one-two with pot and Super Lee from another corner, seeing Pot 'Quaresma' it out for a goal kick.

The game really should have been out of site and I think the pick of the chances was when Super Lee played a glorious through ball to SCS who was inziez, like super inziez, and took so long to do f**k all, he was caught up and tackled by a defender who was about a bazillion miles behind him.

They had a few free-kicks which they squandered, which reminds me Harley did a nice free kick in the first half, and Super Lee did a nice reverse swazz kick which just went over the bar, and it looked like the red tops would win it.

The final whistle came with super Lee getting kicked about a thousand times in their corner, and the boys cheered and shook hands.

Another three points for the red tops. A few beers after and a good day out enjoyed by all.

Jamo said in the pub, "that's the best game of football anyone has ever witnessed ever, and I am now going to sign this contract and be Manager for FAURE MORE YEARS!" as he ate a Jacob's cream cracker with the other hand.