THE END OF DAYS - AND A BACKDOOR PROMOTION

This is an account of the last game of the season from fan favourite shroomy.

I woke up this morning feeling particularly shroomy, my nut was all shaped like a mushroom and I knew it was a good day.

I jumped out of bed in my sky blue Lonsdale y-fronts with a spring in my step a song in my heart… until I saw another man in my room. He was naked, apart from sky blue Lonsdale y-fronts, he too was particularly shroomy, and he was copying my movements. The imposter was silent, so I tried to scare him off by shouting “HEY GUY”, which he copied, cheeky sod, so laid a shroom on his shroom, and he laid a shroom on my shroom it hurt. It was at this point my mirror shattered like a scene from Robocop and the shroomy guy (not me) disappeared.

After my first victory of the day, I went to the local artisan coffee house like a right wanker and ordered a custard tart and a mochafrochalochachino which I was refused as that is a fake drink. 1-1.

I got a cortado, which is a funny little coffee and I took a pic of it and put it on instagwams. 2-1.

I decided to go to the game this week without a speed cap, which is somewhat unusual for me but I was in a cheeky mood and wanted to razz the red tops and make it 3-1. I got on the train at Streatham hill and saw my best bro Pot/Oat (he’s oh so handsome) sat there looking oh so handsome and he said, “shroomy I was waving at you the whole time through the window, where’s ya speed cap ya pillock”, although I was deeply saddened by the use of the word pillock, but impressed he had it in his vocabulary, however, I totally razzed him as planned as he mentioned my speedcap or lack thereof – the laughs we have.

We got to Richardson Evans really early, so went for a walk and spoke about stuff, the hallowed turf was lush green, moist grass like a wet carpet, I licked my lips and exclaimed “this will really suit our expansive style of play won’t it!” to no reply. I pondered on this lack of reply for some time.

Jamo arrived with the kit and the sense of optimism was growing, he’s a good captain is Jamo, after all the squad individually commented on speed cap gate, I was done razzing my bros, and was going to razz the other dudes, the bad dudes, Economicals.

We did our usual warm-up of chase the mushroom, where I get a 5 second head start and run around and being chased by the rest of the red tops, it gets us warmed up.

The game then kicked off, and we looked good on the ball in our half, but were quite frankly lacking penetration, the ball wouldn’t stick up top and we were playing a lot of sideways passes. Mostly down the right-hand side to be honest, which I didn’t mind as I play right back. The red tops were dominating possession and putting together some slick passing moves, however the final ball was lacking….

Until Jamo executed the perfect example of 3rd man running.

He was played into the box from an eye of a needle pass (insert name).

He beat the last defender for pace and reached the ball on the left corner of the six-yard box.

Jamo slid.

He kicked the ball.

The ball went sideways.

The keeper was next to Jamo.

The ball passed the keeper.

The ball rolled into the path of Charlie Richards.

Charlie Richards ran.

Charlie Richards reached the ball.

The goal hole was wide open.

The goal hole was begging to be penetrated.

Charlie swung his meaty right leg back.

Charlie met the ball with thunderous force and kicked it straight into the floor.

The keeper moved sideways.

The keeper saved it.

The goal hole remained virginal.

Jamo remained with 0 goals and zero assists for the season.

Alex Outhwaite had the next good chance on this windy day. The ball was clipped forwards towards Oat/Pats handsome nut, and he lost the flight of the ball in the sun and he shouted, “I can’t bloomin see the feckin thing, so im going to header the sun”, he headered the sun and it deflected off their centre half and into the path of Alex Outhwaite, and we all stopped breathing. Alex throws a tentacle at the ball and struck it well….. WELL BUT WIDE AMIRIGHT. The ball went wide and the crossness was growing you could see Pot/Oat getting eggy which is customary and turned around and said, “Christ I'm unfit, I can't breathe”, which we all respected.

Jamo did a really bad embarrassing foul throw in and blamed Pot/Oat for it.

Borough continued to dominate possession and frustrate the opposition, but there were a few careless passes in our own half which led to half chances for the bad dudes, but our goal hole was not to be breached, for we are the mighty borough red tops. I saw a majestic butterfly at one point and was following its flowing flight and started following it across the pitch, luckily Jamo reminded me that this was a football match or I’d still be hypnotised.

Half time came, which saw an argument between Outhwaite and Young Man (ironically not the youngest member of the team, always baffles me he calls himself that given the cirumstances). It was about playing more directly, which Young Man disputed, i can’t remember how it ended as I got a big bottle of water and threatened to drop it on pot/oats anacockda which we both laughed at, he’s a cool dude.

2nd half started with Jonty Denham entering the fray, now he’s a good dude too! I am blessed to play with so many good dudes. To be honest the game went a bit weird at one point and we had loads of throw ins and it all got a bit boring, so I decided to do a foul throw, which really had the desired impact as the boys finally knew that I am mortal and I am with them now!

The last 20 minutes is where the borough turned it on, the borough are known for having lots of speed demons in the ranks – Jamo, ME (Shroomy) and Belge – and we went on a customary counterattack which involved none of us, so we knew we had a good chance of scoring. The ball was played through to Scotty, who nipped it through the last defenders legs to an on rushing jonty Denham and he calmly walked the ball into the box and unleashed on of the most finesse finishes I’ve ever seen into the bottom corner to make it 1-0 to the red tops. I said he’s a good dude. “That’s because of the carpet isn’t it guys” I cried gleefully.

It was a minute later I was gleefully screaming once more, as pot won the ball back and created another counter wave for them, he tackled their decent centre mid who totally skinned him up in the first half, in his own box, it was crazy. But he got his own back this time. The counterwave included all of your favourites again, scotty, jonty Denham and outhwaite. The move was completed by an amazing pass from jonty Denham to the onrushing outhwaite, skipping oat/pat out and giving him a chance to go through on goal, the touch was delectable, like a scene from Robocop, and he took into his stride and started to bear down on goal. He stuttered in his run, which sat the keeper down and he swept his finish into the near post. “YEEEEE-HAAAAAA” I gleefully screamed as I slapped my thigh, and jumped as high as I could simultaneously.

2-0 and not budging. Or were they.

The gulf in class when the red tops were on it was tangible, but you couldn’t help but think your favourite red tops had a mistake in them, not on this day, as we decided it was time for calvin to enter the fray. Calvin hasn’t played since he scored a bicycle kick. Calvin should never have played again since his bicycle kick. Calvin has ruined his legacy.

2-0 and the red tops decided to turn it up another gear. Marcus faure at his imperious best was true to type as he charged down the keeper, who passed the ball straight to him, he contolled the ball, steady himself, took a step forward, and twatted it straight down the middle from 10 yards out, the keeper stuck out a hand to deflect it other. It was always going over. Like well over. Pot/oat and Marcus then started to abuse eachothr again, with a smile on their face, but you know there is a rivalry there still bubbling away, I think it’s from the time pot/oat led the super twins (alex butler) and taff to an historic dart victory over the twat twins (the faure’s) and glover. Actually, it is definitely that.

Chances came and chances went, pot/oat missed a really difficult chance which he did extremely well to strike given the circumstances..

The 3rd goal was another doozy. The ball was won back by my favourite guy of all time, pot/oat. And he kept the ball for ages, he got cross, no one moved, he got crosser, no one moved, he turned back to the defenders, to play a pass, PSYCH, tricked everyone he turned again to face their goal, at this point scott decided to turn and make a forward run, which pot/oat spotted and played a beautifully weighted scoop pass through, it was the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen juan mata’s ass next to a champagne glass, and scotty took the ball in his stride and rifled a low pass across the face of goal, where jonty Denham and outhwaite were charging onto, with jonty winning that footrace and passing it in to make it 3-0. Lots of smiles today.

The game was almost over, and I decided, it’s time I go full immortal mode. So I did. I cartwheeled into the opposition half and assumed the position, edge of the box distance from goal, on the right hand touchline. My favourite. Scotty noticed this, and made sure he got the ball, he got the ball and charged towards me, he gave me the signal, very much like bubba ray Dudley gives his brother dvonn Dudley when they’re going to get the table to 3d some unsuspecting victim through it, he then gave me the ball. I saw the keepers footwork, spotted him off his line, and punched the ball goalward, I knew, scott knew, pot/oat knew, jamo knew, the keeper knew. The ball flew through the air, picking up speed and nestled into the far left corner – “MAGNIFIQUE” I shouted as I kissed my fingers like a chef. It was a classic goal, and one I am proud to announce opened my borough account after 2 seasons of thankless service. It was a doozy. Pot/oat who is the best dude in the club, maybe even the world said “seen you done that loads of times before, you just don’t stop shroomy when he’s on this type of form”, I said “yep” which iniitated 10 minutes of constant nodding from us all.

Full time. 4-0 red tops. We’re going up.

Jamo gave me a speedcap at the end of the game. Which I think you’ll find means this has gone full circle.

The end.